Diary of Ruth Bissell Cowing, Ancestor of Ann Conaway of Sargentville
Transcript of the Diary of Ruth Bissell Cowing
Monday Sept. 5th
Walked up to Sister Taylor’s Saturday night- had some conversation with her upon the subject that tis near my heart. My mind is fluctuating, unsteady, upon some things. But I will leave them and turn to more important subjects- attended meeting on Sunday heard Mr. S. preach from 2 Sam:23 in the forenoon 8 were baptized and together with a number of others were received as members of the church in the P.M. from Luke 18th 37th I sometimes feel to murmur and think that I have singular trials in life for one of my years, but I wish not to indulge such a disposition for I sensible that I am blessed beyond what I deserve.
Wednesday
A beautiful morn ushered in this day. The Sun shines with new lustre, the air I cool and pleasant, yesterday P.M. the clouds gathered blackness, the thunder roared in the heavens, and the rain fell plentifully. I was in the school house surrounded with my little charges but I felt a degree of composure knowing that God is the same in all places. Walked to Mrs. K. (the place where I board) after school took up a book that would naturally give serious reflections called into mind some of my past feelings and found that I have still the same desires after ___that I then had. Surely if I know my own heart. I have
given up Soul and Body to be at the disposal of God, wishing that may govern my thoughts, words and actions-my wish is still the same, the covenant I trust can never be broken. And why? Because God changeth not? I am sensible that if left to myself it would fail. I think these words of the Poet true, “If ever it should come to pass That sheep of Christ might fall away My feeble fickle soul alas Would fall a thousand times a day.” Surely there is a Reality in Religion when it raises the mind above their world and its enjoyments, let others call it a delusion, but let me posess that frame of mind that weans me from this world and reconciles me to leaving it.
Fryday 9th
Walked to Mrs. Daniels Wednesday P.M. had the pleasure to see Miss L. Philes- I expect if reports are true she will take a residence in the family before long. If they (Mr. T.D. and she) form a connection may they live in harmony- may peace, prosperity and happiness crown their days. Walked to Mrs. C. Meeche’s the last night had an agreeable visit our conversation upon religion- retired to rest at a late hour Polly & myself lay &conversed some time, then resigned ourselves to the power of sleep. So pass my days.
Monday Morn 12 Worthington
Went home to my fathers on Saturday found them in health-but heard that two sons of Mrs. E. Higgins were sick with a fever walked down to see them found one of them very distressed indeed, but they have hopes that they are both better this Morn, attended meeting on Sunday there was no preaching therein meeting not so lively as formerly, in the eve a conference at my fathers, a number attended and some of them appeared to be quite engaged in the things of religion. After meeting had some chat ___ retired to rest, awoke this morn and made up to my school. I must leave my pen for the present.
Thursday 15th
This day concludes the 5 months that I first engaged to attend to the affairs of my school and agreeably to the request of the Committee have engaged for another month-if I live to see it. My employment is fatiguing & perplexing to the mind, and I sometimes wish for to be released- but I think there is no situation in life exempt from trouble-I think I have seen the vanity of earthly enjoyment sufficiently, to teach me there is no dependence to be placed on things below If I anticipate future happiness & attain the object of my wish, I find nothing substantial & constant experience teaches me all is vanity.
Wednesday 21
Heard this morn that Sister Taylor was delivered of a son yesterday P.M. and is quite comfortable. Helpless babe! Born into a world of trouble! May it be early taught to serve the Son who is the author of its existence- it was he who gave it breath and he has a
Fryday Morn have just returned from Sister T. and heard last night by my father of the sudden death of Mr. John Cole, he departed this life yesterday Morn after a few days illness- he has left a wife and one child together with other friends to mourn his loss- I was told that he manifested resignation to the divine will and rejoiced to leave this world of sin, to be with Christ. This P.M. is set apart as a preparatory meeting for the Lord’s Supper. I cannot attend on account of my school methinks I feel condemned for my coldness in the things of religion—I don’t feel myself worthy to sit with the children of God. Yet I have a desire to be aroused up to greater attention. “Can such a sinful heart as mine be from this bondage freed.”
Saturday 24th
last night was witness to a scene truly distressing, walked over to Capt. Fuller and there saw the once calm, steady & amiable Mrs. Fuller in a state of derangement and confined in chains-surely thought I my eyes deceive me. I could think of nothing but the descriptions I have read in dramatic tales of persons in her situation. She was taken ill last week Fryday night and her disorder increases each day. She would begin the most piteous manner for her infant boy whom she hurt to that degree yesterday that they have taken it from her. The sight of her brought scenes of a similar kind that I experienced in state of my mother so fresh in remembrance that I could not refrain from tears. O who can describe the melancholy situation of a person when bereft of that most valuable gift-our reason.
Monday Morn 26
Heard Saturday P.M. that my youngest brother was unwell accordingly dismissed my schollars and went home found him in great distress (occasioned I believe by a sudden cold) but left him much better this morn. Attended meeting yesterday- but few people attended by reason of the rain that fell plentifully during the day, the institution of the Lord’s Supper was administered- took my seat with the church, thought I felt an evidence that I was united to Christ, though unworthy- I hope that I have experienced true repentance for my Sin & I believe that Christ is as willing to forgive the truly pentinent as earthly parents are to forgive their children walked down to Mr. Higgins this evening to witness the marriage of Mr. Elie Metcalf with Miss Polly Higgins the time was solomn. Not any that felt disposed to merriment-the night was stormy. But may their lives be calm and serene.. if their hearts are truly united no doubt that they will tread down the thorny maze of life with happiness in the company of each other.
Tuesday Morn Oct. 4th
My place of residence (like my mind the past week has been roving- visited at Mr. Clapps Tuesday night and Wednesday night at Mr. Burrs, Thursday night at Mr. Robbins, Fryday night at Mr. Eagers and
Saturday night walked up to Sister Taylor, called on Mrs Fuller found her more composed than when I saw her last. Found Sister very weak and low, she appears to be in a critical situation. We are ready to inquire what will become of her little prattling babes if she be taken from them! What friend on earth can take care of them like their fond mother? Surely there are none that has those tender feelings for them that she has. But that God that hitherto has persevered her, and them, can provide for them when she is no more…. Attended the conference Sunday eve at the school house- the meeting rather dull as I thought but perhaps the fault was in myself. I hope that I am not altogether without serious reflections but I am sensible that the things of time have a larger share in my meditations than they aught. “How they divide my wavering mind and leave but half for God” surely I blind to my own happiness when I place my affections on the fading things of time which must soon pass away. At least with me time will soon, very soon, be at an end. But O Eternity, Eternity, who can number the years of Eternity. since then time is so short and Eternity so near, and so lengthy, how aught I to improve the golden moments as they pass in preparing for that state that will never end. I am astonished at my stupidity if ever I am admitted within the gates of the heavenly Jerusalem I shall surely sing the highest note of praise.
Monday Morn 10th
Went home to my fathers Saturday night found friends well, went to meeting Sunday the evening passed & G & G. arose this morn and made up to my school and expect to conclude it before I again return. Was reflecting the last night on the different scenes that I am a witness to in life. And what improvement do I make of them? Do they serve to wean me more from these changing things of time and place my affections on more substantial objects one day I hear of a meeting, the rest perhaps a funeral, or perhaps of sudden illness of a friend. Heard last Saturday that Mrs. Higgins was very sick with a fever and her life almost despaired for but we must leave her in the hands of that God who can heal as well as wound and if it is his will can spare as a help to her numerous family.
Wednesday Oct. 12th
This day concluded my school and have returned to take my residence in my fathers family, spent Monday night at Mrs. Daniels, Tuesday night at Mrs. Clapps walked over to see Mrs. Fuller in the eve found her quite composed though not perfectly rational. Arose this morn called on Mrs. Safford and repaired to the school house found 20 schollars collected although the day has been rainy was entertained at noon with hearing some of them sing. began again this P.M. continued till 4 o’clock concluded with feelings of grief and pleasure- with grief to part with my little weeping charge who have won my affections by my long continuance with them, and by their attention and good behavior in general to me. having spent 6 months with them this year and 5 the last. I said but a few words to them at parting- for my heart was to full for utterances, I could only weep as they many of them did and we parted in tears. I cast a farewell look around the school house as I left it- and thought perhaps I may never enter it again, there I have spent many agreeable and some disagreeable hours. But they are gone I can never recall them O that I may improve succeeding ones in Virtue always, remembering that I am accountable to God that preserves me for every thought, want and action.
Sunday eve 16
Have been very busy on family affairs these three days back, think I don’t find so many leisure hours as when engaged in school but I am afraid that I don’t improve those few that I have as I aught-and why? I must answer to my shame because that Mammon has too large a share in my heart-yes I am sensible of it and I not without desires that my attention may be turned to things of greater importance surely the scenes that daily present to view would arouse me if it were not for this wicked, cold & stupid heart. Watched with the sick (Mrs. Higgins and daughter) the last night. I think Mrs. T to be in a dangerous situation. Attended meeting this day heard the Rev. Mr. Keys of Conway give two discourses, one in the forenoon from St. John 10-16 this P.M. 1st Peter-18th “if the righteous scarcely are saved where shall the sinner and the ungodly appear” the subject comforting and arousing.. comforting to those that can claim the name of righteous to reflect on the love of God to redeem them, when they deserve nothing but banishment from his presence.. and alarming to all that are out of the ark of safety that they are exposed to land every moment beyond the reach of grace and yet unreconciled to that God who is to be their judge. A melancholy thot! Words are too feeble to describe their awful situation. The Spirit of God alone can make them sensible of it.
Monday eve 17
Visited my sick friend Polly last night and found her very weak and as they were provided with help ___ but a few minutes and then returned-she was taken ill last Tuesday. I am ready to inquire? Why am I blest with health while others all around me are deprived. I can give no reason why for surely I am not deserving of such blessings! I must expect a correction of a just God for my many sins! And who knows but he may next send the fatal disease to me! O that I may be truly thankful for the present blessings that I enjoy and prepared to resign them when called for… heard yesterday of the death of Mrs. Hatch of Worthington one of the members of their church.
Wednesday 19th
Watched with my sick friend last night and left her more comfortable this morn.. had some conversation with her respecting her thoughts of Death and a future world she tells me she has a choice to live if it is the will of God… she says the pangs of dying look greater than the thoughts of being dead..Our reason tells us that our bodies must suffer pain in order for our souls to part from them. But what is that pain (allowing it to be the most severe possible) to the spending an Eternity unreconciled to God. When I think of this and compare them, the pangs of dying run nothing. “Death is a melancholy day To those that have no God!”
Friday night 21st October
Our family have returned to rest and I take pen with my book in my lap to write a sketch of affairs. Was present last night at the marriage of Mr. Jesse Buck to Miss Lydia R. the ceremony was performed by the Rev. Mr. Todd. He spoke a few words very feelingly to the large number that were invited on the occasion reminded us of the uncertainty of all earthly connexions & the little dependence to be placed on earthly felicity.. and surely this day confirms it for I have heard this P.M. (by Mrs. Pearce) of the exit
of Mr. Calvin Burnell, a promising young man in the bloom of life…. “wealth, youth, nor beauty can defer But mortal life must have an end”.
Tuesday night 25th
Last Saturday was stormy my father returned from Connecticut Miss M. Barker made from Chester in to go with him. Tarried all night attended meeting Sunday- heard two more discourses from Mr. Todd- after he concluded a Mr. Branon spoke a few words to the people and Mr. ___ Bryant related his experience to the charity. He mentioned that at the time he thought Christ manifested himself to his soul in the forgiveness of his sins. He was so carried above the things of time that he longed to leave the body to be present with Christ. I think I have seen time like that. But alas where am I now? Bound up in the cares of the world loth to leave it-and not a most ungrateful friend to my Saviour who bestows such blessings on me.
Sunday eve passed IG & G
Answered a question asked but perhaps conversely, but I know not at present __alone can determine… what repeated instances of mortality are sounding in my ears! This P.M. heard that Esther King has departed this life and this evening that Mr Ezekial Sargent left this world about 3 weeks past. The first a sprightly, active girl of 16 years, the other a man in the prime of life who has left a wife and child to mourn their loss…
Wednesday evening 26
from the fatigues of the day I devote a leisure moment this eve to writing. I have been thinking that if my ___ to cleanse my heart from sin, and reform my life was equal to my employment this day in our habitat I should act a more consistent part my own conduct is mysterious to me. my tongue runs freely upon vanity while at the same time my heart condemns me for it. I wish to be weaned from the world and yet place my affections upon it. I long to enjoy more the presence of Christ-and yet seek not earnestly for it. For surely if I saught aright I should obtain for Christ has said that they that seek shall find me. I think I have some sense of the sinfulness of my heart! It appears not a fit place for the pure and perfect Spirit of Christ to dwell in and yet he alone can fit it- I don’t doubt the power of God to do all things, and am sensible it is greatly needed in order to bring me to the frame of mind that I ought to be in..”Return O heavenly dove return Sweet messenger of rest I hate the ins that make thee mourn And drove thee from my breast.”
Saturday night Nov. 5
Was thinking this eve how I have spent the time since writing I am sensible that sin and vanity will claim the largest share as devoted to them.. how do I dishonor God by wandering from him. And forsake the coming of all righteousness, was asked the question (by a Mr. C___) this night what progress I made in religion I could tell of none. Am I not a strange being! To be in the possession of so great priviledges and yet make so little good improvement of them? I must answer yes! And yet I can’t renounce my hope of being happy with Christ when done with this world of sin.. neither can I forget the goodness of God to
me in every fashion then I will still put my trust in that God who is the same now that he was then… “ I cannot erase out of my heart What heaven did there engrave”, while looking over this little book I found that I have made some improvements in writing since I began it. It led me to consider if I have made any Spiritual improvements, whether my heart and affections are more weaned from the world, and more placed on heaven & divine things. I fear that I have not made that improvement that I might were I more faithful. For some time previous to these writings my pen was laid aside & I had almost forgotten to use it. And by too long neglecting it my wrist became stiff. But methinks by neglecting my duty to God my heart became more stiff and hard than my writing. But I trust it is my desire that I may improve duty in obedience to God, and be more in conformity to his requirements.
Saturday night Nov. 12th
Curiosity prompts me to write a short sketch of affairs since writing. Heard Mr. Aldrich preach last Sabbath. The evening passed and Thursday night visited my friend Polly in her new habitation think she is in a situation to enjoy the comforts of life with the partner of her joys and sorrows if blessed with a contented mind without which the most elevated situation on earth would give no happiness passed yesterday & this day in another melancholy frame of mind, occasioned partly by ruminating on future scenes before me (if I have to experience them) how unwise am I in thus being anxious for this frail, mortal body that must soon moulder to dust when at the same time I have an immortal part that can never die a soul that requires all the short time of life and all my care and pains to prepare for that state that will never end. How can I expect to find happiness in this restless changing world, which is constant in nothing but inconsistency, surely if I could always feel my present state of mind I should not. This life looks like a dark wilderness before me & the pleasures of it as fleeting nothings & at the best altogether vanity. For certain it is if I at any time fancy I take happiness in the vanities of life, it is not because there is aught in the things themselves to give satisfaction but because I am under a delusion, for when brought to a scene of myself can realize the joys of the saints above (as I trust I sometimes do) I look back with shame & sorrow to think how that I deprive myself of solid happiness by persuing the things of the world. O what satisfaction in feeling weaned from this world.. I was thinking this night that I could rejoice that I was not to live here always.. O when shall I be complete fitted for the enjoyments of the heavenly world, and drop this body of sin and death to be forever with the Lord… surely if the anticipation of complete freedom from sin & being made completely holy, will give such happiness on earth, the participation of the same in heaven is beyond our weal capacity to comprehend. I hardly dare indulge my present ___ to write my feelings knowing in some measure the sinfulness of my heart-but I feel as if I have been groveling on the earth to long, it is time to arise above these transitory things and O that I may always keep above them and lave them for those that know no higher enjoyment than in them
Sunday eve 13
There has been no preaching this day on account of the weather which is rainy have heard this eve of the death of Mr. Noble Remington who departed this life last night o’clock was told that he was unreconciled to the thoughts of dying…O what horror the soul must be in that views itself upon the verge of Eternity and yet unprepared.
Monday eve 21st
last Monday the funeral of the above mentioned man together with a child of Mrs. Spencer was attended by Mr. Todd… yesterday was agreeably entertained with hearing Mr. Hanks’ ideas from the word of the Psalmist “what is man that thou art mindful of him the evening &g&g
Fryday night 25
Attended the church conference this day had a fine meeting heard Mr. Hinkle together with three young ladies in the bloom of life relate the dealings of God with them. Surely if religion can be a delusion it is a pleasing delusion it will enable us to bear the troubles of life with resignation trusting in God that he will carry us through and finally admit us where troubles can never come. Have been agreeably engaged in religious conversation with Sister Tirzah this eve (our parents being gone to Chester)
Wednesday 30th
our parents returned on Saturday attended a meeting on Sunday the institution of the Lord’s Supper was administered took my seat with the church. A number expressed their feeling so unworthy that they hardly dare approach. I am sensible that I am unworthy and O that I could realize it more than I do.. it is a happy frame of mind to feel myself unworthy, when I can claim the worthiness of Christ for me. (the ___)
Monday
Tomorrow is set aside by our ___ as a day of ___ Thanksgiving to ___ God for his goodness in preserving us. But what good will their appointments deme without a thankful heart. ___ think of my stupidity with amazement how little part of my time is spent in the service of that God from whom all my blessings flow.. Ungrateful, Sluggish Soul, will nothing arouse the to gratitude?
December 3rd
Attended meeting on Thursday heard Mr. Todd speak from 2 Sam 3-33 in the eve a conference at my fathers. Feeling quite indisposed and was obliged to retire consequently was not priviledged with hearing all the conversation. The singing at the distance it was from me sounded melodiously. It reminded me of the employments of the Saints above who sing without interruption the song of Moses and the Lamb-Happy Souls! That are thus delightfully employed. O may I indulge the pleasing thought that I shall one day join you and surely I shall sing the highest note who will be the highest miracle of grace… But O what heart can conceive or pen paint my miserable situation if after all, I come short!! But I am in the hands of a just God & he knows my heart..and I think I can rejoice that it is so… Visited Sister R. yesterday she informed of the death of Mrs. Bryant (wife of Mr. Royal Bryant & daughter of Rev. Eben. Vining) it led me to reflect on the shortness of life and the uncertainty of Earthly connections. But a few years ago she lived in this place, in the bloom of life, gay, sprightly and healthy, formed a connextion in the marriage state and now rapt in the winding sheet and confined in the narrow mansions of the grave. Her husband if he had that tender regard for her which partners aught to have for each other will feel it to be a cutting stroke. His tender child now left without a kind mother will
surely claim his first care and attention. O that it may be dedicated to that God who is a God to the motherless as truly as to the fatherless if they trust in him… Time is ever on the wing and a vast Eternity approaching and all my happiness for that endless state depends on the making wise improvement of the short space of time allowed me here, & imbracing the offers of Mercy before Death closes the scene. God only knows the time of my exit, but I sometimes realize it to be very near, and at times can dwell upon it with pleasure “Death from all Death has set us free And will our gain forever be Death loosed the mossy chains of woe To let the mournful captive go”
Saturday eve 10th
No preaching last Sabbath, spent the evening &G Fryday eve passed & this day heard of the death of Lucy Bisby who departed this life1 o’clock this morn. Cut off in bloom of years! She now knows more than all the world could tell her about that endless Eternity of which she is now an inhabitant!! What repeated calls I have to remind me of my own dissolution.
Saturday night 17th
Attended meeting last Sabbath and Monday the funeral of the aforementioned girl. Heard Mr. P. speak from the words, “For as I am all die so in Christ will all be made alive” I think I had some calming sense of the importance of being ready to exchange worlds. What will all the frowns and flatteries of this vain world avail us in that trying hour, nothing, nothing my soul thou must appear for one single person and be judged according to thy works. Visited Sister Stetson on Tuesday had an agreeable chat with her after the family retired. Made home on Wednesday heard that Jacob H. was more unwell he has been confined some time but was thot to be on the mending hand till they discovered more alarming symptoms that threaten speedy dissolution, I watched with him last night was apprehensive that he would not continue through the night, he lay in a senseless state the most part of the time. Being deprived of his reason we know not the state of his mind respecting his situation. My father has just returned from visiting him and says that h is no better (9 o’clock night)
Wednesday night 21st
I have been witness to a mournful scene since writing… the once sprightly and active Jacob Higgins lies mouldering in the silent grave!!! he continued greatly distressed until Monday P.M. between the hours of 2 and 3 when exhausted nature quieted and his Spirit took its flight. This day his remains were committed to the dust, there to be till the last trumpet sounds to raise the sleeping dead. A sermon was delivered on the occasion by Mr. Todd from Ecclesiastics In the day of prosperity be joyful in the day of adversity ___ O that I may consider that my life is in the hands of God & he may command it when he pleaseth… Death seizes on all ages of people but more particularly of late on the blooming youth…Do I realise that I must be a breathless corpse and sleep in a narrow mansion with the slumbering dead? Surely if I realise it as I aught I should prize every moment to precious to spend one in sin and vanity not a moment that I can call my own & yet presume at times to flatter myself with years to come… O that I may from this time conduct more like rational being and remember that my turn to die will shortly come. 12 o’clock
Saturday evening 24th
I can seldom take my pen but I have some new affairs to record. One day a funeral is attended the next perhaps I hear of the birth of a child. Heard yesterday that Mrs. Buck (wife of Mr. Jesse Buck) presented her husband with a daughter surely the different scenes that I am daily witness to are sufficient to teach me the unconstant nature of Earthly enjoyments and what more fluctuating than my own mind. If I resolve to turn my attention to things of more importance some trifling thing will often take my mind ‘ere I can put my resolves in practice. Why is it thus? When I know what meditations yet the most happiness I am astonished that my mind is thus diverted from them. There is much said about the reality of Religion and a future state of existence. I think if we deny the one we must the other, for if there is no future state what need of a principle of Religion, and if no reality of Religion why does it yield the most happiness that we mortals experience? Can we suppose that a holy being will raise in his creatures desires after holiness, and give them to hate sin, and not gratify the one, and free them from the other.. Heaven forbid that I should indulge the thought… Future events are known only to God and the more I try to search them out the more entangled I find myself… “Why should I ask him to reveal What he thinks proper to conceal”
Saturday eve 31st 1808
This evening closes the events of the present year. Tomorrow’s sun will rise to light the first morn of a new,, let me ask myself if this night closes my earthly existence what is the foundations for my hopes of happiness in a coming world? If my heart did not deceive I have seen the time that my will was brought in conformity to the will of God,,& was willing to trust my concerns for time & eternity in his hands… but O my wicked wandering heart! When I take a view of thee and survey my past life I sometimes doubt my sincerity.. “Was I deceived? Blest Spirit tell Nor leave me to despair Sometimes a heaven sometimes a Hell Within the heart appears”. When I take a survey of my feelings in general the present year I can think no other than that I am settled down on the hope of the hypocrite or that my foundation for Eternity is good. For certainly I have been more established of late than I formerly was. I believe there is a possibility of my being deceived but none that Christ will deceive me or that he will fail me in the trying hour if I aright commit my soul in his hands, did I doubt this, I should despair of happiness at once. “This trusted almighty hand Is raised for their defence Where is the power can reach them then Or who shall pluck them thence?” O that I could so resolve the shortness of time as that I may live like one that expected every day would be the last but alas! I do not on the contrary I conduct more as though I thought I never was to leave this world. I need not to look back to former years of vanity when each week and day I commit sins that dishonor God and deprive my soul of happiness. Christ hath told his followers to watch and pray that they enter not into temptation.. surely were I more watchful my tongue would not be found so often in vanity and if I had more true desires ascending to God the tempter would not be so busy with me nor my heart so ready to hearken to his evil suggestions. I have written for my own diversions the present feelings of my mind each time of writing now the year closes, what the events of the new will be should I live to the end of it I know not perhaps some one will record my Death as I have numbers in this little Book,, 22 Deaths are here recorded some of both sexes & of all ages-the young and sprightly have been the most gental victims. O that I may be found ready when the summons comes. Half past 11 o’clock
1809
Sunday P.M. Jan. 1st 1809
The first day of the new year has arrived & my eyes behold the light thereof! While many of my aquaintances have slept in death the year past I yet live! O that I may begin this year with new resolutions to live to the glory of God. What events of this year will be I know not! Yet undoubtably scenes of a different kind from those that I have formerly experienced will open before me. I think that I feel the need of wisdom from on high to direct my steps… this alluring world so often steals my heart from God, that I think sometimes I shall be suffered to place my affections so upon it as that I shall be ruined at my own request…kind heaven prevent it.
Saturday evening 7th
Our family have retired to rest all nature is hushed in silence, but my mind is not silent sometimes dwelling on one thing sometimes on another. Company and a world of business have taken my attention for the most part for all of this week.. visited Sister Taylor Wednesday eve made a promise to her that I have not fulfilled which was that I should visit Sister R. in her confinement last week on Thursday she was delivered of a fine daughter & I feel guilty that I have neglected her so long. May this remind me of my daily neglect to my God.. I have been thinking this evening that it is a happiness to me oftentimes to be crossed in expectation & to be stript of the things of their world when it leads me not to depend upon it & weans me from its uncertain enjoyments & drives me home to God where all true happiness centers. Why should I place so high a value on the things of the world that have no real value in them.. (Foolish heart of mine) O that I willingly may resign my all unto the hands of him that knows best what is for my happiness in this world-and can convert seeming evils into real good.. if I know my own heart I now possess that frame of mind… but how long it will continue I know not it was not in power of the world to give it! But the world does often rob me of it.. O flattering world how long wilt thou deceive me? O foolish heart when wilt thou cease to hearken to its vain delusions
Fryday eve 13th
have just returned from visiting my friend Polly she informed me of the sudden death of Capt. Jonathan Prentice who was found a lifeless corpse in his bed yesterday morn. Who can tell but that the same will be my fate before the rising sun. since my life is so uncertain why is my heart so placed on the things of the world as tho it sometimes is … astonishing stupidity..
Saturday night 9 o’clock.
Pleased with the employment of writing I again take my pen. The feelings of my mind are so fluctuating that I am often so astonished at myself as to be ready to conclude that I am as one alone in the world & that no person proposing true love to God can be possessed of such a variety of feelings as dwell in my heart. I think that I can truly adopt the language of the Poet, “I sometimes feel myself inclined to love
thee if I could But often feel another mind Adverse to all that’s good. The world and the things of it take so large a part of time that aught to be elevated to God that I am astonished that God ever shows me any higher enjoyment…yet I trust that he sometimes does… and why? I answer because that it is not in the power of the world to reconcile one to leave it. Neither can it kindle a flame of love in the heart of Man to God his maker. Surely nothing short of God himself can do this. , if I am not deceived I have sometimes professed feelings like those described. O when will the warfare be over when shall my heart be entirely devoted to the service of God? Never my soul till thou hast ceased to sin. O may I indulge the pleasing that that day will come.
Thursday eve 18th
Attended meeting last Sabbath. After meeting took a ride with Mr. & Mrs. Green to their habitation spent the night and returned to my fathers the next day, their manner of living is such as would be pleasing to me- retired from the busy world they can conduct without reserve and enjoy undisturbed happiness in their family unit. By seeking approbation of Mortals I many times neglect my duty to God. Brother and sister returned from Connecticut yesterday after an absence of 11 days I received a letter by them from Cousin Clarissa Olcott she was always a dear friend of my esteem & now rendered still more so by her engagement in the things of religion. Surely it aught to engage the attention of all but I have of all persons to mourn my carelessness & stupidity. My father has been uncommonly raised above the things of the world of late to the degree that he says he sometimes longs to drop this body of sin & death that his Soul may soar aloft & gain the company of those above they are continually singing praise to their Redeemer. If God is about to grant his wish O may I be willing to part with him though I feel it will be a cutting stroke.I have need of a great share of the assistance of God in order to be resigned to the events of life. I have a great deal to learn & am but a dull scholar and therefore I must expect still to be connected till I make a better improvement. My judgement tells (if I believe God) that all things that happen are for the best because overruled by that God that can do nothing wrong but O how little part of my time is my heart reconciled to it my heart many times rises in opposition to the dealings of God and wishes that myself could have the command of my Fortune but O foolish that I am thus to wish for when I consider things in their true light I am sensible that if I was left to my wish I should run myself at my own request. When I think of my many blessings I am astonished at my ingratitude while I am blessed with health, Friends, & a comfortable dwelling. Thousands are roving in the world without Friends & without shelter an instance of this I have just had before me. a poor old man this evening called at the door and asked for some refreshment I willingly administered to his wants & he has departed in peace. Poor old man thought I thy fate is hard in this world but perhaps thy Soul will shine in Glory in the world to come while many that now despise thee will spend an Eternity of Sorrow although blessed above Grace with the comforts of life. Who hath made us to differ… my fire is almost out, my candle spent and nature requires rest therefore I must leave my pen. 12 o’clock And with sweet sleep my eyelids close Sleep that shall me more vigorous make To serve my God when I awake
Fryday 26th
A church meeting at my fathers this day but a small number collected, but I don’t think that Christ is confined to number I believe that he will manifest himself to all that seek aright. A different subject from that I generally write upon presents, Mr. C. called on me this eve & we have come to the conclusion to join hands (and I trust that we have hearts before) next Sunday evening…Important transaction!!
I hope that we both have sufficiently considered it & that we may never have occasion to wish that it had not taken place,
Sabbath Day 12 o’clock
The day has arrived, in a few hours I expect to give a publick manifestation of the choice that I have made in a partner for life….. yes for life… if our hearts are truly united nothing but Death can dissolve the union… the consideration does naturally incline me to seriousness when I consider the important change that I by this connexion take upon me. I think if ever Mortals needed the wisdom from on high it is needed by us.. may we both seek it aright & then undoubtably we shall have it. Many are the Merrimen of the world to lead the minds of Mortals astray. O may we never so get our hearts placed on the things of time as that we neglect the concerns of Eternity,, may our hearts be ever united in one & as such place our affections on things above. May I inquire what is the foundation of my expectations for happiness.. Time will change the appearance of all earthly things.the most beautiful person will in time lose his beauty, the most wealthy his riches, but time does not destroy the inward beauties of the mind. The latter together with a well cultivated disposition I think to be more durable than the former. I must leave my pen to attend to other concerns… O may we from this date know the greatest happiness that was ever experienced by either of us—in the sanctity of each other.
Sabbath Day Feb 5th
What shall I write.. I know not where to begin. My mind is moving & if my present feelings govern my pen I must lament my stupidity of heart in the things of religion. Yet could I feel to mourn for my sins it would be some consolation it is surprising to consider the many different sins mortals are called to pass through in life. While I reflect on the transactions of my past life I am ready to conclude there is but one more event of importance for me to experience. The commencement of my existence was the first of the most important, the next my covenant as I trust with my God and in consequence of which, my covenant with his church & lastly agreeable to appointment last Sabbath eve we formed a communion in the marriage relation. What now remains but for death to close the scene. Death will dissolve the dearest connexion on earth.. I must certainly feel the cutting stroke.. either in my own removal unto the world of spirits first or left to mourn the loss of my now chosen companion for life. Instances of the like, daily present to view. Last week on Tuesday Dr. Moses Brewster of Worthington departed this life. He has left his wife and children to mourn the loss of a kind husband & tender father.
Fryday night 10th
While sitting alone I take my pen for a few moments. My father informed me yesterday of the Death of Galen Shaw (a person that I formed some acquaintance with the past summer) who has been in a poor
state of health some months and last week on Saturday exhausted nature yielded. O may the repeated Deaths that I daily hear of, arouse me to consider my own mortality.. I must certainly die.. do I realize it? Surely my outward actions at times witness against me that I do not.. O how can I spend a moment in Sin when I cannot claim the next as my own. Shocking stupidity! Careless mortal that I am.. O may I from this night spend my moments if any yet remain to the Glory of God.
Wednesday eve 15th
This evening I write from my new habitation. Last Saturday I quitted my paternal dwelling where I have spent many agreeable hours under the kind care of an indulgent father, and have now left him & cast myself upon the protection of the man that I trust is my Friend! O that the cares and concerns in my new situation may not divert my mind from the more important concerns of my soul. Nor from my usual employment of writing. My time for the most part of the week thus far has been busily employed in secular affairs & I am sensible that my mind has been engaged to much with my hands. O when will my wandering mind be reclaimed! Can it be that a change of local situation will change the feelings of my mind with regard to religion. No. I trust that I have still desires after holiness & to whom else shall I apply if not to the God that has formerly bestowed & whose power is still the same.
Fryday P.M. 17th
Our family have dispersed different ways & for the first time I am left alone to meditate. Sweet solitude! I love thee
Sabbath Day 19th
Was interrupted while writing by the arrival of my parents& for the first time since I left home heard from the Family they informed me that brother Solomon hurt himself last Monday to that degree that he has not born his weight since how liable the human frame is to accidents, dangers unseen by us constantly attend us & an ___ unseen protects us. And yet how ungrateful we are for our many blessings. It sometimes appears that I am the most ungrateful of all persons I am naturally more inclined to dwell upon my troubles than my blessings though the latter far exceed the former. O that I could leave the disposal of my affairs in the hands of that all wise God that will order all things for his glory and consequently for the good of his creatures. How often have I felt a desire that God would order the most minutest affairs of my life & leave nothing at my own disposal. Then if those desires proceded from God, he will certainly gratify them. Let me then rest contented whatever my situation may be.
Sabbath Day 26th
Have just returned from meeting & hearing Mr. Todd speak from James 1st-6th, “what meanest thou O sleeper. A very interesting discourse & O that it may arouse me from the stupid frame of mind that naturally possesses me as the ships even were in danger of destruction by reason of the disobedience of Jonah. So I have been thinking that I am but as a troublesome Jonah in the church of God. God calls for my whole heart but alas! How are my affections upon these ___ vanities of time. O could I possess a
state of health some months and last week on Saturday exhausted nature yielded. O may the repeated Deaths that I daily hear of, arouse me to consider my own mortality.. I must certainly die.. do I realize it? Surely my outward actions at times witness against me that I do not.. O how can I spend a moment in Sin when I cannot claim the next as my own. Shocking stupidity! Careless mortal that I am.. O may I from this night spend my moments if any yet remain to the Glory of God.
Wednesday eve 15th
This evening I write from my new habitation. Last Saturday I quitted my paternal dwelling where I have spent many agreeable hours under the kind care of an indulgent father, and have now left him & cast myself upon the protection of the man that I trust is my Friend! O that the cares and concerns in my new situation may not divert my mind from the more important concerns of my soul. Nor from my usual employment of writing. My time for the most part of the week thus far has been busily employed in secular affairs & I am sensible that my mind has been engaged to much with my hands. O when will my wandering mind be reclaimed! Can it be that a change of local situation will change the feelings of my mind with regard to religion. No. I trust that I have still desires after holiness & to whom else shall I apply if not to the God that has formerly bestowed & whose power is still the same.
Fryday P.M. 17th
Our family have dispersed different ways & for the first time I am left alone to meditate. Sweet solitude! I love thee
Sabbath Day 19th
Was interrupted while writing by the arrival of my parents& for the first time since I left home heard from the Family they informed me that brother Solomon hurt himself last Monday to that degree that he has not born his weight since how liable the human frame is to accidents, dangers unseen by us constantly attend us & an ___ unseen protects us. And yet how ungrateful we are for our many blessings. It sometimes appears that I am the most ungrateful of all persons I am naturally more inclined to dwell upon my troubles than my blessings though the latter far exceed the former. O that I could leave the disposal of my affairs in the hands of that all wise God that will order all things for his glory and consequently for the good of his creatures. How often have I felt a desire that God would order the most minutest affairs of my life & leave nothing at my own disposal. Then if those desires proceded from God, he will certainly gratify them. Let me then rest contented whatever my situation may be.
Sabbath Day 26th
Have just returned from meeting & hearing Mr. Todd speak from James 1st-6th, “what meanest thou O sleeper. A very interesting discourse & O that it may arouse me from the stupid frame of mind that naturally possesses me as the ships even were in danger of destruction by reason of the disobedience of Jonah. So I have been thinking that I am but as a troublesome Jonah in the church of God. God calls for my whole heart but alas! How are my affections upon these ___ vanities of time. O could I possess a
sincere heart to pray to God for relief surely I should find it. O that I may cherish the small desires that I have for holiness till it arise to a flame. I receive repeated visits from my earthly friends but my heavenly visitor is in great measure withdrawn & what earthly company can supply the joys. The past week received visits from Jonathan and Sister Bissell Mr and Mrs Bryant and P. Bird-with the latter. I had an agreeable discourse on the things that concern our future state.
Sabbath Day March 5th 1809
As I sat musing last evening I recollected that it was a year last Thursday since I publickly devoted myself to God in the ordinance of baptism..and how often have I broken my covenant obligations I then said by my practice to renounce the vanities of the world and to guard against jesting and foolish ___ but alas! My heart has been often placed on the vanities of time,, and my tongue to much indulged in the latter. Called at my fathers on my return from Northhampton Thursday was informed of the death of Mrs. Drury (wife of Capt. Drury of Worthington) who expired the night before & Fryday heard of the death of little Typhen Irving daughter of Mr. Irving of this town a short sickness terminated her earthly existence & she has left the world being in the 11th year of her age. When on her deathbed she called her friends to her side took her leave of them, and when asked by her Mother if she loved her answered yes, but I love my God better.
Sabbath Day 12th
Attended Meeting this day heard Mr. Aldrich speak fro St. John 14th chapter 19 verse. Have spent the time since my return in reading. I think that I have some sense of the shortness of time & the impossibility of finding lasting happiness in earthly enjoyments Methinks I long to have my mind freed from these clogs of sense & again enjoy sweet contemplation on heavenly things. O soon come happy day.
Sabbath 19th eve
Have felt quite indisposed this past day but am some better this eve. The past week received visits from my parents & sister & other friends perplexities & troubles constantly attend us but if they serve to wean me from the world, let them come and may I be kept from ___ God is kind to his creatures even when we think him to be most unkind. He will not suffer us to find happiness in those things that we must shortly leave but disappoints our speculations that we may seek for it in those things that are lasting, & in that___ world that will soon be our home.
Thursday 30th
Having a leisure moment I again take my pen, have been very busily engaged in the affairs of the present world since writing and I hope not altogether careless about the affairs of a future.. attended meeting last Sabbath the ordinance of the Lord’s Supper was administered took my seat with the church and I was not deceived thought I felt a pentinent heart in some measure.. I was thinking before the meeting that I was not a fit person for a church communicant.. I felt so condemned for my sins of heart & life that I thought I dare not approach the table of the Lord but again I thought, will my neglecting it, in any
measure fit me no surely it will not.. if I feel my need of a Saviour & to mourn aught before God for my sin I need no other fitness. O that I may fulfill my resolves that I often make to watch my tongue that it be not found so often in foolish talking. But first may I reform in heart & then reformation of tongue will follow. Dear Saviour sleep this heart of mine In thine own crimson Sea.
Thursday April 6th
By the request of our rulers this day is set apart as a day of publick Fasting and Prayer…& surely we may with propriety attend their requests when they apply to our circumstances. I think of all persons I have reason to fast and mourn before God for my sins & pray to him for pardon. & for assistance to live more devoted to him for remaining days of my life. My ingratitude to God is now to be expressed yet I think that I can sometimes realise I trust that God has manifested himself to me in a very wonderful manner in times past. & I then thought in the height of my raptures I never should wander from him again.. but O wicked heart how soon didst thou lead me astray, too soon wast thou a slave to the Enemy of all righteousness. Shall I be slave to Sin My Lord’s most bloody foe, my God forbid it & come thou & again reign as sole king in my heart. Can I consider the prosperity of the world & the approbation of Mortals as blessings when the steal my heart from God & render me careless about the affairs of my soul? No surely I cannot..then let me be deprived of all rather than lose my higher enjoyment.. I appeal to the searcher of hearts to know if this has not been my ardent desire. When will the time come on I shall from sin be free Lord help me for my sins to ___ Have mercy Lord on me
Wednesday 12th
On Sabbath morn my father rode down and informed us that the aged Mr. Mathew Buck was just expiring we dressed in order to attend meeting& called to see him on our way. But Alas! To late. We found him a lifeless corpse. He had been dead about 10 minutes… in the time of his illness which lasted about 5 weeks, he manifested great willingness to depart this life. And at times seemed almost impatient… thrice happy soul! If thou hast met a smiling judge! The joys that are to come will more than compensate for all thy troubles of 86 years in this world… his remains were committed to the silent grave yesterday P.M. feeling indisposed I did not attend as I viewed from the window the people moving into the burying ground I was led to consider the latter end of man… must my body like his be one day consigned to the grave… it surely must
O how can I presume to sin again that God that has the command of my life & on whom depends my future happiness… Lord pity a heart that wants to be thine & help me to conduct agreeable to thy mind and will.
Fryday 14th
I again take my pen to renew my tale of Mortality. Learned yesterday that Mrs. Stetson wife of Mr. Stetson departed this life on Wednesday morn. O Death! Will nothing but thy final conquest over the
measure fit me no surely it will not.. if I feel my need of a Saviour & to mourn aught before God for my sin I need no other fitness. O that I may fulfill my resolves that I often make to watch my tongue that it be not found so often in foolish talking. But first may I reform in heart & then reformation of tongue will follow. Dear Saviour sleep this heart of mine In thine own crimson Sea.
Thursday April 6th
By the request of our rulers this day is set apart as a day of publick Fasting and Prayer…& surely we may with propriety attend their requests when they apply to our circumstances. I think of all persons I have reason to fast and mourn before God for my sins & pray to him for pardon. & for assistance to live more devoted to him for remaining days of my life. My ingratitude to God is now to be expressed yet I think that I can sometimes realise I trust that God has manifested himself to me in a very wonderful manner in times past. & I then thought in the height of my raptures I never should wander from him again.. but O wicked heart how soon didst thou lead me astray, too soon wast thou a slave to the Enemy of all righteousness. Shall I be slave to Sin My Lord’s most bloody foe, my God forbid it & come thou & again reign as sole king in my heart. Can I consider the prosperity of the world & the approbation of Mortals as blessings when the steal my heart from God & render me careless about the affairs of my soul? No surely I cannot..then let me be deprived of all rather than lose my higher enjoyment.. I appeal to the searcher of hearts to know if this has not been my ardent desire. When will the time come on I shall from sin be free Lord help me for my sins to ___ Have mercy Lord on me
Wednesday 12th
On Sabbath morn my father rode down and informed us that the aged Mr. Mathew Buck was just expiring we dressed in order to attend meeting& called to see him on our way. But Alas! To late. We found him a lifeless corpse. He had been dead about 10 minutes… in the time of his illness which lasted about 5 weeks, he manifested great willingness to depart this life. And at times seemed almost impatient… thrice happy soul! If thou hast met a smiling judge! The joys that are to come will more than compensate for all thy troubles of 86 years in this world… his remains were committed to the silent grave yesterday P.M. feeling indisposed I did not attend as I viewed from the window the people moving into the burying ground I was led to consider the latter end of man… must my body like his be one day consigned to the grave… it surely must
O how can I presume to sin again that God that has the command of my life & on whom depends my future happiness… Lord pity a heart that wants to be thine & help me to conduct agreeable to thy mind and will.
Fryday 14th
I again take my pen to renew my tale of Mortality. Learned yesterday that Mrs. Stetson wife of Mr. Stetson departed this life on Wednesday morn. O Death! Will nothing but thy final conquest over the
race of man control thee? Must all submit to thy conquering arm? Yes, certainly… I likewise am traveling on to meet thee. Soon perhaps we shall meet and those will clasp me in thy icy arms & I cannot escape.. O then prepare my soul.
Sabbath eve 23rd
Attended meeting this day heard Mr. Todd speak from Ecclesiastics 7-9& 10 why am I so dull under the preaching of the Gospels? Am I so far strayed from my heavenly friend that nothing can reclaim me? no.. surely the power of God is sufficient..& O that he would exert it & again restore those blessings that I have forfeited.. I deserve nothing but banishment from the presence of God & if Christ does not undertake my cause I am gone to all Eternity.
Sabbath May 7th
While contemplating this morn on the situation my mind is in I took a survey of my past feelings I was ready to inquire with the Apostles where is the blessings that ye once spoke of? Was not Christ the foundation of it? & can he change? No. he remains what he ever was-a perfect, holy, and happy being, & is still willing to defuse happiness to all that will apply to him then certainly I must condemn myself & say that my wicked heart has banished that blessedness that I trust I have experienced in former days. I think I feel in some measure like the Prodigal I am sensible that I am starving in a foreign land & I am fearful that I am contented with my situation- for did I come to the resolution to return would not my heavenly Father miss me? I am astonished at my stupidity- why am I so slothful why do I not arise? All things urge me on to faithfulness Deaths are multiplied in the land the wheel of time is rolling me likewise to the grave & yet I am unconcerned? Last week on Thursday Dea. Ken Pierce departed this life & yesterday his remains were committed to the dust. I deserve severe punishment but O may gentler means be used to drive me home to God before Death closes the scene.
Thursday 11th
Death, Death is continually sounding in my ears…last Sabbath the aged Mrs. Morse of Worthington & Mr.__ Williams of Norwich departed their life. & this day heard of the exit of Mr. Bemus of Chester who expired on Tuesday. Has Death received commission to ride in triumph through our borders who will be the next victim God only knows.. perhaps I may be arrested suddenly like the last mentioned person & be in Eternity before the rising Sun. O am I prepared? Methinks I feel condemned….
Wednesday 23rd
Pensive and alone I take my pen to divert my mind, heard last Fryday night that sister Emily was taken ill with a fever-not supposed to be dangerous I did not visit her till Sabbath when I found her very sik indeed—the Doctors spoke very discouragingly concerning her til last night at which time I left her & rode home. But have hardly been able to sit up this day, I find that my heart is not right with God, I am
continually quarrelling with feelings toward me. I have felt willing at times to renounce all to be at his disposal, but this is not the case with me now. Perhaps it is the will of God that she should not recover if so my heart is not in a frame to acquiesce with it. O that I may be prepared for all the events that await me. Methinks I never felt more gloomy than at the present. Earthly things court my attention in vain, & I am a stranger to inward peace. To whom shall I apply for help if my Maker frown the whole creation smiles in vain. O why do I not place my trust in God when he hath so often relieved me, can I doubt his faithfulness in the future-no- His love in times past forbids me to think He’ll have me at last in trouble to sink.
Monday 28th
Sister Emily is some better and they think a fine prospect of recovery. Attended church meeting last Fryday it appeared to me that I was as one alone, they all manifested their enjoyment of religion- but I could tell of nothing but stupid distance from God & C. surely thought I it is wrong to go forward in the communion in my present state of mind but these words of our Saviour sounded in my ears “will ye also go away.. my heart replied no- to whom Lord shall I go if I leave thee.” Sabbath Day arrived and I attended communion- but with a cold and strong heart… surprising. What art thou made of O my heart that nothing does not move thee.. “Sin like a raging tyrant sits Upon his flinty throne And every grace lies buried deep Beneath his heart of stone.” When shall I experience a change of feelings? Must I always be in this stupid state this distance from God? O can I bear the thought that I am left to hardness of heart & blindness of mind…
Sabbath June 4th
Heard this morn that the aged Mr. Anderson departed this life last week and yesterday his remains were committed to the dust. O why am I ___ in the earth at such a rate I have been calling into mind past days of happiness that I have experienced & I find that my heart is not now as it was then. I many times now seek for happiness in those things that I then despised & considered as worthy… Methinks I long to be delivered from this state of mind & again enjoy real happiness.
Tuesday 13th
Last week on Tuesday had the pleasure to see Mrs. Fuller in perfect health of body and mind… God is able to do all things and if she is restored to her friends & again enjoys happiness in her family on Thursday I visited Sister Emily found her better than I expected although quite feeble. O May she improve her spared moments to prepare for a sick bed & a dying hour. On Fryday Uncle Olcott and Lady arrived at my Fathers on their way to the westward. Aunt is in a very poor state of health at present but is in hopes that her journey will be of service to her. So pass my days… and what improvement do I make of the different scenes.
Thursday 22nd
Last week on Fryday received a visit from my uncle and aunt they tarried till Saturday eve and then we parted… perhaps until we meet in Eternity. I am sensible that I have been in a stupid frame of mind for
some time past.. so stupid at times that I hardly had a desire ascend to God for relief. I retired to rest last Saturday night and methought I saw an infant babe dead & dressed for the grave,,, as I stood looking on the breathless corpse methought it opened its eyes & looking upon me repeated 3 verses in the 2 chapter of the songs of Solomon- beginning & ending with these words “ Arise my love my fair one & come away” I thought in my sleep that that the child meant it as a summons for me to die I asked if I must go now & the child said it was not for me to know, that Gods time was the best time. Then closed its eyes and dyed away. I awoke with the dream in mind and have thought much on it since, whether it was sent as a warning for sudden death I know not, but this I know, that if I am one of those fair ones described in the text, there is need of my coming away from this worldly mind that has so ling possessed me. surely if I am not deceived I have a desire to come away from all things that hinder my higher enjoyment & again have my heart and affections on things above. What is there in the whole creation can give happiness to the soul that has tasted of the love of God when deprived of the love. I will venture to say nothing. We may pursue the things of time as long as time lasts we may in some measure attain our earthly objects. But there will be something wanting till God comes into our hearts & takes possession & then the vacancy will be completely filled, nothing will then be wanting. O may I not be suffered to wander so far from all that good as I done… but in all my troubles may I fly to God for shelter future prospects for living have looked dark to me for some time past.. yet I think I now feel to trust in God come life or Death. Should I be called to sufferings they cannot equal those that my Saviour past through to redeem my soul from hell. O that I may never murmer but submit with patience to the allotments of providence still hoping for the time when a happy deliverance may be granted me.
Saturday July 8th
One week passes after another & each day I am nearer the Eternal world, soon perhaps my state will be unalterably fixed in happiness or misery & then what will the approbation of Mortals or their frowns await me if I meet the approbation of my judge that will secure my happiness, if he frown the whole creation will smile in vain, O may I consider things in their true light & seek for happiness in those things that are lasting. How soon may our most pleasing prospects be cut off, an instance of I had before me last week on Saturday, I attended the funeral of a child of Mr. Miller of about 8 weeks old-the little infant daughter was snatched from the bosom of the parents who had doubtless anticipated days of future happiness that they should enjoy with her their first child of that sex. Thus all earthly happiness vanishes even when we have it in possession. Is there no true happiness? Yes even in Christ Jesus the Lord of glory,, O may I repair him & find that happiness that I long for if not deceived…
Saturday July 29th
I have passed through many different scenes since writing,, sometimes I have felt to submit with patience to the allotment of providence, at other times my heart rises in opposition & repines at my fate. Last Thursday I visited at Lieut. Coles had an agreeable visit Miss Sagers accompanied me home & we had an agreeable chat upon things of a future world, on our return heard of the Death of Mrs. Marble of Chester who was on a visit to her daughters in Worthington and sickened there and died. Yesterday attended the church meeting but did not have those lively sensations in the things of religion that I want. I am sensible that I deserve none, but will God raise desires in my breast to enjoy his
presence & live to his glory & not gratify them? No, surely he will not. Then I will again restore his wandering sheep, although the winter may be long yet blooming spring will again return. Then why my soul these sad complaints Since Christ & we are one Thy God is faithful to his saints Is faithful to his son.
Fryday August 11th
Received a visit from Mrs. Clapp on Saturday last had an agreeable discourse with her, on Sunday attended meeting took my seat with the church and I can truly say that God was better to me than my fears. My mind felt calm and composed & if I was not deceived thought I could claim the promise that Christ died for me- Oh that I could live more devoted to the service of the Lord & that my mind could be more stayed on him, surely those are my desires..
Wednesday 16th
While sitting alone this evening I take my pen-but hardly know what subject to persue, my mind is roving, unsteady, fixed upon no one thing for any length of time… if I endeavor to recal my wandering thoughts & place on things of a higher importance some earthly object takes my mind where I am aware & breaks the pleasing vision.. why is it thus? What earthly object steals my heart from God and attaches me thus to this world? O God thou knowest.. but will thou suffer it to be thus long? No,, I am convinced that thou will not. If I am thine by regeneration (I trust I am) thou wilt wean me from these rival objects or else deprive me of them. Thou has a right so to do for thou hast said “thou shall have no other gods before me” if then the object be ever so trifling in itself- if I give my thoughts to it thou dost consider it as a rival god… surely my conduct is a mystery to men and angels to think that I who have been made sensible of the vanity of this world, & I trust experienced higher enjoyment should so soon get my heart placed upon the first & lose the happiness of the latter..
Tuesday 29th
Each day scenes present to teach me the fading nature of all things here below, on Sabbath 20th I was informaed that Sister Taylor was taken violently ill & they were apprehensive that a fever would be the consequence I rode up to see her on Monday found her very feeble left her on Tuesday & returned home.. while she and her family are called to experience sickness others are called to part with dear friends & commit them to the dust. Last week on Thursday morn the amiable Mrs. Mary Eager wife of Mr. Nathaniel Eager departed this life after a distressing illness of 4 weeks. Methinks we will mourn the loss of her company here on Earth but I trust she will fill a mansion in the heavenly world where she is free from those clays of sin, that continually interrupt our peace while here below.. her husband now left disconsolate will no more see her in his house attending her domestic affairs & nursing her two little children, but he may go to the grave-yard and there find her bed.. Why must she go and leave them thus to mourn Go not for years but never to return. God is just & man must acquiesce
Thursday September 8th
presence & live to his glory & not gratify them? No, surely he will not. Then I will again restore his wandering sheep, although the winter may be long yet blooming spring will again return. Then why my soul these sad complaints Since Christ & we are one Thy God is faithful to his saints Is faithful to his son.
Fryday August 11th
Received a visit from Mrs. Clapp on Saturday last had an agreeable discourse with her, on Sunday attended meeting took my seat with the church and I can truly say that God was better to me than my fears. My mind felt calm and composed & if I was not deceived thought I could claim the promise that Christ died for me- Oh that I could live more devoted to the service of the Lord & that my mind could be more stayed on him, surely those are my desires..
Wednesday 16th
While sitting alone this evening I take my pen-but hardly know what subject to persue, my mind is roving, unsteady, fixed upon no one thing for any length of time… if I endeavor to recal my wandering thoughts & place on things of a higher importance some earthly object takes my mind where I am aware & breaks the pleasing vision.. why is it thus? What earthly object steals my heart from God and attaches me thus to this world? O God thou knowest.. but will thou suffer it to be thus long? No,, I am convinced that thou will not. If I am thine by regeneration (I trust I am) thou wilt wean me from these rival objects or else deprive me of them. Thou has a right so to do for thou hast said “thou shall have no other gods before me” if then the object be ever so trifling in itself- if I give my thoughts to it thou dost consider it as a rival god… surely my conduct is a mystery to men and angels to think that I who have been made sensible of the vanity of this world, & I trust experienced higher enjoyment should so soon get my heart placed upon the first & lose the happiness of the latter..
Tuesday 29th
Each day scenes present to teach me the fading nature of all things here below, on Sabbath 20th I was informaed that Sister Taylor was taken violently ill & they were apprehensive that a fever would be the consequence I rode up to see her on Monday found her very feeble left her on Tuesday & returned home.. while she and her family are called to experience sickness others are called to part with dear friends & commit them to the dust. Last week on Thursday morn the amiable Mrs. Mary Eager wife of Mr. Nathaniel Eager departed this life after a distressing illness of 4 weeks. Methinks we will mourn the loss of her company here on Earth but I trust she will fill a mansion in the heavenly world where she is free from those clays of sin, that continually interrupt our peace while here below.. her husband now left disconsolate will no more see her in his house attending her domestic affairs & nursing her two little children, but he may go to the grave-yard and there find her bed.. Why must she go and leave them thus to mourn Go not for years but never to return. God is just & man must acquiesce
Thursday September 8th
Received a visit from Uncle and Aunt Bliss of Longmeadow last week on Saturday, parted with them on Sunday & they have returned to their little family. Surely we never had louder calls to prepare for death than at the present, on Wednesday evening last the Widow Sarah Eager departed this life & yesterday her remains were committed to the dust… what remains of Man when the Soul is fled.. nothing but a lifeless lump of clay.. & yet the most of our time is spent in making provision for this part that will soon be provision for worms & we neglect the concerns of the Soul that must exist so long as God exists.
Thursday Oct. 5th
Perplexing scenes have taken place within the circle of my acquaintances & we are so formed by the God of nature that unless we are void of feelings we naturally share a part with our friends in distress, methinks it is good for me to be afflicted with these outward troubles it teaches me the uncertainty of Earthly enjoyments & directs my thoughts above where all is harmony and love.. I have often thought that some heavy trouble was in store for me in consequence of my disobedience to my God, and I think that I can bless the means that may be used to restore me again to his favor, why should I grieve when outward troubles press upon me if I can enjoy inward peace that peace that is far superior to all the enjoyments of this vain world… When troubles like a gloomy cloud have gathered thick and thunder loud He near my soul hath always stood His loving kindness O how good. Last week on Fryday I attended the church meeting as preparatory for the Lords Supper & on Sunday took my seat with the church & if I was not deceived I found some enjoyment.
Thursday Oct 19th
It is a long time since I have taken my pen and I have no pleasing subject to write upon outward troubles daily press upon me & the world looks gloomy before me. O that I could make a good improvement of these outward troubles & place my mind on things above. I passed a very uncomfortable week the last & I think suffered more pain than I have for a number of years before, but I am in some measure restored to my usual state of health. God surely knows what is best for us in this life & though he affect us he doth it not willingly but for our profit. My days are flying swiftly & I am daily drawing neared an endless Eternity. Could I but realize it at all times I am sure my mind would not be so perplexed with outward things. It sometimes appears that my time is short & if so, surely my work is great. Though I can do nothing of my self yet something must be done for me or how shall I be accepted of God will Christ plead my cause? O God though knowest
Tuesday Nov 7th
Had the pleasure to hear that last week on Tuesday eve Sister Teresa & my friend Polly Metcalf were each delivered of a son.. God has been with them in a trying hour and may they be enabled to give the glory where it is due…. What creature on earth so helpless as the new born infant. Unable to help itself or to make known its wants to others it must die and perish unless protected by its friends & yet it rests
in the arms of the parent unconscious of surrounding danger. With how much greater safety may the Saints repose in the arms of everlasting love who is not only able but is also willing to protect them from danger. O may I leave the disposal of my soul & body in his hands & not trust to an arm of flesh vain is the help of man in an hour of distress unless the arm of God is extended.. & is it so? Then may I not be discouraged though outward appearances be against me since he can carry me through all tryals if it be his will. & should he be pleased to call me out of time he hath a right so to do.
Sunday Dec 5
Have just heard that Mrs. Thrasher was this morning delivered of two daughters… why these gloomy feelings that continually possess my mind. Am I not in the hands of the same God that supports others in distress? Yes certainly and he will not fail me in a trying hour if I aright put my trust in him.. thou he hath not promised temporal life to such yet if he grant his presence the pangs of dying are taken away.
Sunday eve Dec. 29
Have passed some gloomy hours since writing but have often felt anxious to feel willing to be at the disposal of God & I think if not deceived I have in some measure attained it. Why should I be unwilling to be at his disposal since I know that he will order all things well.. I can with composure trust myself in the arms of an Earthly Friend. & shall I so distrust my heavenly parent as to doubt his goodness to me? O may I not indulge any more gloomy feelings but trust that in all danger the Lord will provide for me. whether it be in life or Death I am not anxious to know, but think that I can now rejoice that the Lord reigneth let him do as he will. Happy meditations! Pleasing reflections, to think that I am in the hands of so good a God….